Weblog
Thursday, 09 February 2012
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7 months later..
Here I am on xanga again. Oh my goodness, how the times have flown like
a quick wind. Here one moment, gone the next.
Saturday, 23 July 2011
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shrugs
I'm glad you and I had some time together. I liked it a lot.
Wednesday, 25 May 2011
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Sad?
Is it a bad thing that I still think about you from time to time?
How well you treated me? How you're coming here this weekend?
How I hope we "accidentally" bump into each other? How I hope
I can bring you to the top of the Empire State Building and maybe
lay down in a park and just chat under the sky?It's kinda sad. But I still like you as my friend. Things are not so
stressed and I'm VERY okay with that.I miss you.
Bittersweet.
Thursday, 19 May 2011
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Relief..
Now that I've gotten closure with Ray, I feel better. We're friends and
just so I don't have to store it in my phone:
"Fair enough. So to start off with, if I thought you were so easy- you
would have noticed already. You can hear whatever you wish from
whoever you want but all I can say is how often do those people see
me or know me. You are a wonderful girl with a heart of gold but I
unfortunately am not ready for a relationship right now. I have a busy
schedule and that would not be fair to you to begin with. If you want
to think I'm a jerk, you can go ahead and think that. If you want to listen
to others who don't know me that well, go ahead. I am willing to be
friends only if this rumor bullshit stops. All I can tell you is, you will
continue to not know who I am without talking to me."
"I just want you to remember I don't like drama and I don't need
drama in my life right now. Rumors wise, I don't let it bother me but
it starts to bother me when other people bring it up and show so much
care about it. I hope you understand. Just stay who you are because
you are sweet."
From there, I guess I can say that I'm alright and things are better
between us. Even being friends, I think I like it better that way, for now.
He's a really good guy and I'm so glad to have met him. I miss a lot of
the closeness we had between us, but hey, who says we can't be just
friends.
This is us at banquet. He's the 3rd person in and that of course is me
next to him.
Life is a lot better for me. Woke up this morning from my 12
hour trek in NYC and was 2 lbs lighter. Yay for all the walking (:
Keep at it!
Tuesday, 17 May 2011
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Note to Self:
use these moments to make yourself better. Enjoy life as it comes.
Don't ever look back.
Friday, 13 May 2011
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Heartbreak Warfare.
So I'm finding myself more and more hurt on the inside and it just sucks.
I'm so confused and it's really annoying because I don't know what's wrong
with me. I haven't found myself this way in a really long time, and I'm starting
to ask myself what's going on. I know I'm going to go through some kind
of depression again especially since everyone is going home, I'm in limbo
right now about whether going home or not. I know if I go home, I spiritually
will crash like a rock on the floor. I know I can't do it alone. I know I can't
do anything alone, without Christ by my side.
I found myself fallen for someone who I can't have. Someone I can't have
because I'm not ready in the heart, because I'm not ready to commit to someone
who isn't ready to commit to me. I started to realize I like Ray a lot. I liked
him because he filled the void, he was a gentleman. From holding the doors
open for me, to paying for dinner, to just listening to me when I was going
through a bucket load, he was there. But I realized that because he doesn't
have what I need which is a firm foundation in Christ, I can't have him and
vice versa. It's crazy and crazy painful but there's nothing more than that truth.
It's been a long time since I walked this path. The one I turned around
from left splinters in my feet, cuts on my ankles, and my body weak, but I
know in the end, the prize and treasure is so much more than these petty pains.
Jesus, help me walk in your path. I may still be hurt by this crush because in
the end, it crushed me and my fragile heart, but You love me more and
overcome all worldly things. I want to walk in Your ways again so make me
and mold me into a reflection, your image, yours.
Wednesday, 11 May 2011
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So a couple of nights ago, I had another nightmare where I felt
helpless. One of those dreams where all you really wish is to wake
up before the bad happens. Yeah, I was with a group of three guys
and I can't remember who they were. But I was walking near Richmond
but I suddenly ended up in a dark room. Someone was carrying me
over their shoulder and I felt weightless. Soon enough, I was on the
ground and all I wanted was to wake up and be safe.
Thankfully, I woke up and was in my own bed but my heart felt like
it was going to rip out of my chest. I was afraid. I was deathly afraid.
I wanted to stop being followed, I wanted to stop being scared out
of my mind.
Today, I'm free. Although I'm a little scratched up from whatever I
had with Ray, I'm alright. He was a 2 week long kind of meet up and
although he treated me right, I guess things for him faded. I don't know
if he started talking to other girls and let the attention get to his head,
but if one thing was for certain, I'm sure he's over me now. That's okay.
I'm just dealing with each day as it comes, and I'm happy with that.
Sunday, 08 May 2011
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Memories
I think I'm going to start writing here again. Haven't written here since I was back
home, miserable as fk. I want to start writing so I can have all the memories added
up.
What's been up lately:
Broke up with that ass hole Vince.
Started seeing this guy Ray but we'll see what happens.
Need to study for my Bio Exam.
Can't wait to get my two licenses this summer- driving and bartending ;D
Lose some fking weight
Possibly change my major from Biomedical Sciences to Psychology
Friday, 17 December 2010
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Currently
A Beautiful Exchange
By Hillsong Live
see relatedFight with me.
So last night, I told Vince to come to campus to pick up money for Lola, the Marc
Jacobs fragrance Maggie wanted so badly. He told me to come outside, but turns
out he came inside for a while. We were talking but then I got really irritated by the
fact that he was laughing at me and telling me to entrust things in God. I mean,
that's not as easy as it sounds for someone like me. Reading through the past
entries I wrote, I know how hard it was and still is to lift things to God and entrust
them to Him. I walked away from him pretty much and was angry because there was
so much I wanted to tell him but I feel like I'm going to burst. I don't and do want
him knowing what's wrong but if I'm like this right now, I don't want to let go.I spoke with Haebin the day before and she told me she would have never guessed
that I had gone through so much, let alone, gone through the things I did. I feel like
people tell me this all the time..what does it mean? She and others before her told me
that my testimony will be something amazing and when shared, they will know the
greatness of God's glory. But everyone has their own stories, everyone has God's
awesome and wonderful power working through their lives. We are all special and
made lovingly by Him who provides what is needed. So why shouldn't we all have the
same greatness working in our lives? I don't know, it doesn't add up in my head..
maybe not right now at least.Well anyways, after walking away from Vince, I felt pretty cruddy. I don't recall
myself doing such a thing that was so rude and unnecessary. I guess just him
telling me how to do something really triggered something in the back of my head
and upset me. I'm emotionally unstable still and I know that it's not good if I just go
and start venting out everywhere so maybe it's best if I just keep certain things to
myself and between God and figure things out with Him first.Help me to guard my heart.
Wednesday, 15 December 2010
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Walk with me.
Last night I had a dream. A dream I got really scared of.
It’s another one of those dreams you feel absolutely helpless in..
We were at a mountain and I definitely recall Mushroom and Boaz
being there and a group of other people I can’t remember. We were
skiing down the hill and I was taking it pretty slow and suddenly the
group disappeared. Personally, I had enjoyed this moment until I realized
there was this avalanche that came crashing down. My heart started
racing and I started skiing faster down the mountain. I was pretty far up
ahead but suddenly I tumbled and fell into the snow. My body was so
exhausted and I was so tired I couldn’t get up. I saw Mushroom somehow
out of the corner of my eye and called for him. But when I did, my voice
was no where to be found and my energy was drained. Even in this dream,
I was ridiculously tired. I was so helpless I began to cry and closed my eyes.
Hearing a voice call my name, I looked up to see Boaz and he was asking
me if I was alright.I woke up scared, my heart racing, and feeling like I was going to cry.
Lately, I’ve felt so helpless over the emotions I’ve been feeling and the
uncontrolled anger that’s been following. I’m restless.. anxious.. fearful..
sometimes nauseous. It didn’t matter who was there whether it was Boaz or
Mushroom, it could have been anyone else. But I feel like lately, I’ve been needing
the help of people and maybe I’m asking the wrong people. Maybe I’m not
asking enough of God to save me first.Walk with me Lord.
“Enoch walked faithfully with God; then he was no more, because God
took him away” -Genesis 5:24 NIV
StAr_AnGeL1092
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- Member Since: 8/23/2004
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About Me
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Go to Jesus. and live.
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Pulse
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I'm a little nervous about going to Syracuse now. it's been the same thing for the past week and my heartbeat keeps getting louder.
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I woke up at 10:30. I'm honestly quite bored at the moment.. have to get some studying done.. -sigh- i wish i was out of school...
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things seem to always work out the way i predict them. freakish. hope you're all enjoying the summer weather :]
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